she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
