I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
