I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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