I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
