you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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