Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
