"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
