is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
