Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
