He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
