Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
