i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
