Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
