Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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