We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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