my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
