Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
