You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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