Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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