i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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