After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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