dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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