we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
