Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
