Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
