Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
