You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
