if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
