Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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