i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
