He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
