theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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