Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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