life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
