just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
