He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
