you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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