Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
