i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
