Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
