A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
