My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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