do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
