My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
