I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
