the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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