Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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