I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
