Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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