youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
