It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
